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51.

I'd like to be able to fly using the power of my mind.
I'd also like to be able to change my size at will,
and to acquire the ability to become invisible at will.
If I could do all of these things at the same time,
I would be able to shrink to the size of a crumb
and fly invisibly just beneath the terrain of my
texturized ceiling as if it were some inverted Grand
Canyon, and no one would even know! I already thought
about what I could do to unsuspecting women if I had
these powers, but I've written off such fantasies:
I'm certain my activities would cause itchiness, and
I'm the kind of guy who would be unlucky enough to die
by being crushed under the weight of a fingernail.


52.

Beer is more important than chess *only* if consumed
in the presence of beautiful women. It doesn't matter
if the beautiful women like beer or chess, either.
They don't even have to like *you*. What matters is the
beer-and-beauty combo. Chess is still important, though.


53.

If Caissa allowed us to have longer member handles,
I'd choose "DingleberrySkidmark". As it stands, though,
my member handle is already long enough, thankyouverymuch.


54.

I believe everyone has a worthwhile story to tell.
If the right interviewer asked the right questions
of a random individual, that interviewer would
uncover the source material for a blockbuster script.

If you know someone who seems completely devoid of
personality, and you know their lifestyle lacks
normal human contact, and everyone finds the person
in question annoying, even *that* person probably
has a childhood tale to tell that would sell popcorn
and tickets. Just don't ask me to do the interview!


55.

It's too bad that there isn't one place on this
planet that has warm beaches, snowy mountains,
city thrills and sane locals. When a place has
even three of these qualities, so many screwed-up
people are drawn there that sanity is the first
casualty. I've heard a Californian say something
to this effect: "Someone turned the United States
on end, and all the loose marbles fell down into
California." Makes sense....


56.

If you don't feel like practicing random acts of kindness,
try practicing random acts of absurdity. The smiles thus
derived are much like "happiness gifts". The danger here,
though, lies in knowing when to stop. Do it too often,
and you risk being labeled as a Robin Williams wannabe,
or worse--a Crispin Glover wannabe. Being too strange...
too funny all the time...has a dark quality to it that
can easily resemble insanity.

Really, though, if you know when to stop,
the payoff is often well worth the risk.


57.

People who complain all the time just don't get it.
No one wants to listen to complaints, and the complaints
themselves often beg the question: What have you done to
solve the problem you're complaining about?

Granted, some complaints *need* to be made...but it
seems most people are unable to discern which complaints
are worthy enough to bother imposing on other people's
time and mental status.

If you want to project a positive attitude (and who
doesn't want to do this?), you have to absorb the
negative energy from others as well as from yourself
and process it into outgoing positive energy. Simple.

Sometimes, this process hurts...but if you get good at
it you can learn to focus your efforts where they really
matter without bothering other people, and you give the
air of being a wise, laid-back, and even generous person.


58.

I'm really beginning to think my next car should be a hybrid.


59.

The nature of human selfishness is closely linked
to the placement of our eyeballs near our mouths.
The primal need to satisfy hunger is met every day
from birth, right before our eyes...and we quickly
learn to like this eating process. Always, always
our hands draw food and drink to our gaping
pie holes, right under our eyes! Meanwhile, the
waste matter that results from this most basic of
needs is eliminated very far away from these same
eyes, making it possible to disregard the process
and the product quite easily.

Imagine how differently we would view the world if
our alimentary canals were reversed...or if our
eyes were squarely set, one in each hind quarter.
We would be forced to give more thought to what we
leave behind in everything we do, resulting in a
greater proportion of consideration to wastefulness.
Selfishness would be less of a problem then, yes?


60.

I've always believed that Gary Busey and
Nick Nolte are basically interchangeable actors.


61.

The human targets of your offhand critical remarks usually
perceive them as arrows whizzing by their heads. Occasionally,
they may even perceive them as arrows striking glancing blows
that leave scars, or even--rarely--as a spear through the chest
leaving them pinned to the ground like a dead insect on display.
You have likely been stung yourself, many times, many, many times.

Perhaps you have passed through periods of your life when the
frequent arrows of others have left you feeling incapable of
avoiding deadly hits, and you gradually spin out of control,
only causing yourself to receive "target status" by those
around you, exacerbating the problem, possibly to an
irreversible extent. Does this sound familiar?

When you fling such words around, you are participating in a
deadly game. You do not know all the details behind the
behavior you criticize, nor how vulnerable your target may be
at the point of attack, nor how often your victim is pestered
by similar volleys. You do not know if you might create--with
one small remark, seemingly playful to you--a disgruntled postal
worker, or a suicidal bundle of nerves. So why do you do
persist in doing it?

Be ready to apologize, always. Better yet--avoid the need.


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